ethnography and i

i grew up in ohio.  kind of in the country and near the lake.  i went to college for four years and studied myself.  that's really the most literal way to put it.  i took the classes that allowed me to most directly study my intellectual place within the historical context of those who studied themselves before me.  perhaps, to some extent the study of any subject lies in the discovery of one's self, in the aquisition of perspective on one's own existence.  but so very often a subject gets transformed into nothing but a string of connected objects and accessible only through rote memorization and textual consumption, like a mouse being led through a maze by a string of cheese.  

i studied ethnography as a subject.  and so now i call myself an ethnographer although i have very little idea what ethnography is by way of experiencing it or implementing it as a day to day ethic.  so i've decided the best course of action is to self identify as an ethnographer and then once again set to studying myself.  in the same fashion, one might discover what it means to be a musician and thereby what music is in the experience of its creation.

it also seems to be useful and proper to adopt different personas for different purposes.  for instance, it helps me make intellectual observations if i speak or think with the voice and pace of an olderly allen ginsberg.  specifically the allen ginsberg that was interviewed for "no direction home."  on occasion it also helps me to embrace the persona of my father.  when i'm meeting new people especially and also when i'm goofing around.  as a pet persona for this tricky business of ethnography, or to say, how to act when i am an ethnographer, my most powerful and accessible reference is margaret mills.  i've had plenty of other professors and in-the-flesh examples of ethnographers but for some reason dr. mills is the most resonant. 

all of this may sound like hibber-jibbery hogwash, but it is very practical and comes into play on a constant basis.  especially when you have the privilege of not having predicated purpose.  much of my time is spent in waiting to find what i should do next or explore next or work with next.  the waiting time is full of possible courses of action flashing and flying around in my head until one of them pairs up with a pre-practiced and familiar mode of behavior.  for example, in a matter of minutes i may think of say three possible course of action in my head.  

i should fall in love

i should smoke a cigarette

i should get a personal narrative from the neighbor.

the grand percentage of the time i will opt for the cigarette because the course of behavior that translates that thought into reality is much more familiar and engrained as rewarding and accessible.  this is where the borrowing of personas comes in handy.  if i pretend to be margaret mills, the possibility of talking to the neighbor becomes a closer reality.  and as for the falling in love business, it seems to occur most deeply when people are brought together through some work of breaking away from one's most common, ingrained behavior.  straying from the work required to stay on the path beyond what we're used to turns love into addiction and passion into jealousy.  for me to accomplish this work with consistency requires an ability to shape-shift.  to perform certain personas through the power of believing in their utility and authenticity.  this is how we become socialized of course.  the assumption of certain ways of acting based on hedonistic predisposition.  but it can also empower the individual when we awake to find that we can toy with the whole system and enact different parts, play different roles, whenever we want to.

but for now i'll just have a cigarette.  later i'll walk to the store to buy more tobacco.